I am a recovering perfectionist. It is always hard to admit something you are ashamed of, but as they say it is always the first step towards change.
When I was younger I would never admit to being a perfectionist. I would veil it with I am very ambitious or I am a high achiever, which sounded better to me. I did not want to admit my perfectionism because I know from working with students and from reading several articles and books about perfectionism that being a perfectionist can actually do a lot of damage to our health and well being. I am realizing that being a perfectionist has not only caused me to work at my fullest potential but it has also caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety.
Whenever I get something wrong or make a mistake, I feel horrible and am unable to get over it for long periods of time. I beat myself up for it and internally call myself a hot mess mom. The reason for this is ever since having children I can no longer be perfect. I find it impossible. Before kids I tried everything I could to be perfect, especially at work. Sometimes I would let personal and family chores slide so I could be a perfect employee, always going above and beyond. I put in extra hours at work and got it all done. As a mom, I realized that being a mother was now my most important job so I started trying to be perfect in that way. I wanted to be the perfect mom but I also wanted to be perfect at work. I bet you can guess where this led me. I will share more about my burnout moments in another article.
I soon figured out that there was no way to do both jobs perfectly. For years I have been feeling like a failure. I don’t want to feel like a failure anymore. I now realize I am the farthest thing from a failure. My girls are thriving and while I am certainly not a perfect parent I know that I love them with all my heart and try to do the best for them every single day. In regards to work I am realizing I need to ask for more help. I also need to take more days off to recharge so that I can do my job to the best of my ability. The most important thing I need to do is to let go and realize that I am never going to be perfect. Nobody can ever be perfect. Today is the day I let go of perfectionism and accept myself for who I am. I am a mom of two beautiful girls, a loving wife, a person with a lot of empathy and a loving and caring heart. I am an imperfect human being and I am learning to be ok with that.